bluebirdlense

2010-10-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

*this letter is to my second dad, some might find it hurtful but I have been through a lot and really need to write it out*

Dear Daddy.

Do you remember when you would just wake up to text me "you exploded into my heart?" ....i keep thinking about it. I know things have gotten SOO bad for us both....but never once did I stop loving you, or wish you were gone. I don't regret us. Any of us. Joe it hurts....I cant explain it....everything in me hurts. I don't regret falling for you...but I did. And never was able to shake that....and that makes this feel like little knives piercing everything. My will power to survive has completly banashed.

I cant make it stop hurting i keep hearing you and seeing you after everything i do....wait till I tell dad I.....and i start crying almost instantly . I feel so lost. I have no idea what to do. I am scared to get close to anyone. I trusted you....I TRUSTED YOU!!!! ...."no matter what...I will never leave you Angel....never" . I never promised you i wouldn't fall towards other people...or fall in love...i actually guarenteed it. But i was only ok with that because you wouldn't dissapear. I BELEIVED YOU! ....HOw could you do that to me. You know what everyone else had done to me...Other doms, adam, jordan, nicole, the church...they all dissapeared....then you swear you would not do what they did....no you did a ONE UP....you made sure you did it so that my life revolved around you so much I would be detached from everything else when you deserted me......well you did it... I am so alone .

Here let me help you ...."your not alone you have your other tops and vincent...and the girls"

they are not you. I LOVE YOU.... they also didn't get my love to you....you did. My life didn't revolve around them like we did to each other....and now i am allowed to text you if I have an emergency...but other than that...you are supposed to be out of my life....

I was going to send this to you today...but you left so quick that i didn't get a chance....i guess it doesnt matter now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jckKmsCsmio

I feel so dead...I guess it makes sense that its halloween. I know that you know that i just keep saying i will hurt myself just to make you come back but i feel like everything inside of me is raw...and decayed. I hate everything inside myself....your right I created this.... You texted me you are crying....I feel like I am in so much pain...nothing matters to me right now. I hate talking to anyone becaue I am a breath short of falling apart...i am ignoring texts from my new friends cause me wanting to be friends with them destroyed us.
Everything i see....its a memory of you in some way

Bluebirds

Mnms

Romeo and Juliet

Glee

EVERYTHING evokes a memory of you

Everything hurts....even if I don't cut burn or intentionally starve....but I cant eat I cant sleep...I cant call anyone for coping....

I am a mess....i guess thats it.

I love you daddy

Angel

Updater

2010-09-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here wondering why I have found myself amongst the crazed obsessives in love with silly bands. I don't understand it one bit. I keep trying to justify it saying...oh its only so that i can find ones with meaning pertaining to me and me alone...well thats all cool and such but it does not change the fact that I am 20 and a crazed look with rubber band bracelets that serve no purpose but to make pictures when you are not wearing them. I got into them this morning when I was shopping the outlet mall and looked down and on the cement I saw a band....the number 5....just gawking at me...laughing....sneering....judging....basically screaming...why the hell havent you picked me up yet. so I did...and I put it on....it felt good...cheap rubber around my wrist(its your dirty mind that went there not mine).....

Anyway yeah...so i needed to keep it because 5 means a lot of things for me

5 kids

5 my acting age (dont ask)

5 the number that everyone counts to to get me to hear them

5 my favorite bill with Abraham Lincoln on it

5 the number that helped me learn math in school

5 the age that I was the cutest in my whole life

5 the age that my mom got chelsea for our family.

5 the year I noticed more that spanking was a part of me

5....well i guess this list could go on and on and on

Anyways so that is how I got into my addiction.

So Joe and are are Tiffy with each other. I don't know what I did. And i only got upset with him because he got upset with me. We are both running on very little sleep especially him so I give him credit for putting up with so much. And i dont want people thinking he is Oscar the grouch. I mean come on...he doesnt smell...that bad

Ok really he doesnt smell and he is a sweetheart..I just think i pushed on a nerve with him again. Like always. he is just tired I think and needs a nappy wappy byes!

So yea. i went shopping today and bought some lotions , a dress, body wash, fragrances, a sweatshirt, some silly bands, batman stickers, a usb card reader, and some battery's....all things i needed pretty desperately .

Glad I had some time with my mom.

hmm other news.

oh yeah one last thing. i started a new daily thing where I take at least one picture and edit it per day. Here are todays....Besties!

Alright yall

Bedtime for this sassy cubby, ducky, giraffe, little baby bluebird.

G'nites

Angel

A spanko rant

2010-09-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

I guess I felt I needed to say a few things for my fellow spanko community.

I have seen a lot of subs and bottoms questioning weather or not the spanko they have is right for them. And after a few in depth spanko relationships with Vanillas, Good doms, Terrrible Doms, and Physcos who think they are spankos I have learned quite a bit and have a few tips.

I guess this all is going to go around the one MAIN rule... That my Papa Bear Joe taught me,

NO RED FLAGS.

what i mean by this is, from the get go, you CANNOT have Red flags in your relationship, meaning something that does not fit, indications of dangerous situations , ect. Now I do not mean that in your relationship your top or dom is not allowed to make mistakes, like once he hits too hard in the wrong spot or you feel that its gone too far(beyond the owwwiee sobs it stings) , you let him know but then he stops immediately and checks on you. I mean lets be honest in this lifestyle there are a lot of times you get smacked at the spot at the bottom of your back just by accident...but it should NEVER be repeated for dramatic emphasis. We are not looking for a Shakespeare tragedy we are looking for a Love story where one of the kids DOESN'T kill themselves.

Online Indications of Red Flags in Spanko Relationships

quick to get angry or jelous or very sensitive to everything you say( ex: You: Um ok....Top: wow God someones in a mood)

People that "forget" your limits (you made limits for a reason, if the person is not following them they are either not paying attention to what you are saying OR worse they are disragregaring those things)

Sexual within the first meeting online(this one is OBVIOUS, if they want to talk about how "sexy you are "or want to see pictures of you from the get go....not a good plan)

They don't want to just "talk to you" unless its sexaul or ONLY about spanking (just for joe,...if they talk to you about twilight...They must be perfect for you)

Its 3 am I must be Lonley

2010-09-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

So yeah bedtime was at 3...it is now 3:19. One of my friends popped up just as i was getting offline....with this .

"Angel Please talk to me I really need someone right now"

AWEE damn it, as it is joe is gunna tan me!

*****************************************

In other news my job at Burial Chamber is GUNNA ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SOOO excited. I basically wont have a day off for the entire month of october but its a compromise I am totally willing to make! HMmmmm what else. I SHOULD get pictures together to print but I was working so hard on my laundry and Chelseas senior photos that I never got around to it. But alas I will very soon.

I wanna say more...but my lips are tied....i wish I could explain things to peoples.....but ERrrrggg...I will laters I guess

Better Day

2010-09-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

The Burial Chamber Haunted House is located on the corner of N. Lake Street and Blair Avenue in Neenah. This location is just five minutes south of the Fox River Mall in downtown Appleton.

From the North: follow Hwy 41 S. to the Winchester Rd. exit (#133). Turn left (East) on Winchester Rd. and follow until it ends. Turn right (South) on Lake Street. Watch for the search light! The Burial Chamber will be on your right.

From the South: follow Hwy 41 N. to the Winchester Rd. exit (#133). Turn Right (East) on Winchester Rd. and follow until it ends. Turn right (South) on Lake Street. Watch for the search light! The Burial Chamber will be on your right

Things are finally looking up. And I can taste the sun on my lips as it peeks through the trees and coneccts its warm lips upon mine. Smiling finally is not as hard as i felt like it was

Thank you glee! You Make me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe7EPVBHU-A

and even better from the same episode!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_cU7gixkJY&feature=related

2010-09-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Nicole.....

So I just want to say a small little tidbit. I am not going into huge details but I am sorry if i ever made you feel like your problems in the past were less than important. Or that I didn't care about what you were going through. I remember You always told me 'you have NO idea how I feel"...and your right. i had NO FUCKING CLUE. I knew that you were falling to pieces but i could always see mends and easy fixes and didn't have patience with you. I never really quite understood the whole broken inside kinda thing. Like being so torn apart that even time with your friends doesn't help and you dread seeing morning because you know things will only get worse. I hit a really bad spot when jordan and i broke up. a terrible spot. But then I felt like I could lean on a bunch of people to get me through. But it wasn't till this past week that i really knew how you felt like you couldn't be fixed. I felt really isolated like no one really understood what i was feeling and the helplessness. I felt like I didn't want to see anyone because it might drag them down. And even more I didn't want anyones help because friends tend to blame themselves if things get worse and i didn't want to get worse and deal with my friends blamming themselves.

I finally got the feeling of feeling cold, and empty, and hollow like you would walk through every day. But never feel anything but pain and frequently getting mad at yourself that you cant turn it off. Feelings like the peices were too shattered to be picked up. I am not asking for help I am doing ok now. I am "getting by" i guess just dealing day to day. I know full well i will survive what I am dealing with. I just wanted to say I love you. And I am sorry if you EvEr felt used or belittled by me when you went through this. You are an incredible person. And I think one of the strongest i have ever met. I have no idea how you survived it. But thank you for doing so.

Anyways. yeah thats it
I love you Nicole. And really want to get lunch sometime soon
Angel

*so yeah i wrote that to nicole today. just a little something to make her feel good. i really hope she reads it and understands where I am coming from. I really miss her and need her back in my life for coping purposes. *

In Other news I did Chelseas senior photos today and her newborn brothers pictures AND....I went with nick to visit ashley on the green bay camppus. and realized that i really really need that kind of lifestyle. LIKE BAD. i know its belated... but i feel like its needed...pics soon

Run the hell Away

2010-09-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

you will get better
you will get better
YOU WILL GET BETTER
I have been falling apart all day
i dont know how to handle anything anymore ....

I cant explain to anyone how I feel.... my self hatred just keeps growing. Tonight I sit alone in a apartment. Sick of all the questions. I am just falling apart and dont know who to tell or what to do or feel. My friends Dezi, Teara, and Johnathen were at work with me and I just collasped in tears

I was Sober when I had sex with the guy....

When Teara brought me into the bathoom....The only thing I remember screaming was that I can smell him and feel him all over me...I keep showering...and trying to get the stench away. I feel like he poisned me. I cried myself to sleep laying next to him. Knowing full well I was his easy drunk fuck. I feel like I want to be boiled and burned...so that the stench might lessen. I just feel like i am a walking corpse I just feel like I am walking around dead. Whenever my friends try to bring me out of it I sob uncontollably and i am sick of being everyones problem. She showed me the cut that she had on he leg and I told her about mine...I told her that I just want to SOOO badly...

"and I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think they'd understand, when every things made to be broken...I just want you to know who I am"

My cousin Aimee told me the next night that she might have a sexually transmitted disease and or cancer...then EVEYONE is YELLING at me about how i am not proctecting myself. And everyone is mad because they care. But people need to stop getting mad. And telling me I dont know what could happen...cause one of my favorite people who has two little boys might be dying.....I feel like this is god punishing me for what I did. I dont want her hurt because of me.

....What have I done.

and now my friend jing is mad at me. cant blame her , i have shut he out and most everyone else the past few days...I just know that if I talk about what is going on i will sob. and i just want to cry alone. I am sick of everyone hearing my weakness.

The Right Path

2010-09-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

OK so things are getting better but I suppose they always get WORSE....I wont get into many details but here is the list

* Had a *unsafe* one night stand with a drunk guy i know.....and TOTALLY regret it(worse part is I did it sober)
* Joe and I have been fighting like intense amount(more on that laters)
*Found out my Nephew jumped out of a moving car and had to go to the ER, AND that my cousin aimee might have cancer and is going through hell.
*Haven't heard back from my spanko guy friend...but I guess till my life is sorted out that is for the best
*I work open to close at work all week

*my room mate is a wreck
*My room looks like....this...
<<<<<
*and this morning I slammed my head in a car door.

So yeah but I am pretty sure things are looking up

If all else fails I gotta just keep thinking.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ6rPxQcGpk&p=6CE6AA3DFC62F856&playnext=1&index=26

...shirly temple can always brighten the day....:)

Ode to shirly temple

Oh I need more animal crackers
to go with those bouncy curls
your little brown eyes
and those little bouncing curls
you teach me everyday how to smile
and how to take a bow
and baby to this I just say wow.

(lol sorry moment of random lapse i think it might be the head injury talking)

Latley Joe and I are getting better and worse and better and worse. It is as much my fault as his. I just dont know what to do I guess....I mean we are definitely getting better at making up. For all you readers who end up on this blog, Joe is my dad/dom.....who I cant have a romantic life with for many personal reasons...Its really hard sometimes because it cant happen. Yet my dad and I are very much so attached in all ways to each other. Making the Love process on my end rather difficult because I dont want to compensate my dad for someone that MIGHT work out.

Excuse me Sir its late

2010-09-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

EVIL MICKEY INSERT HERE,....sorry found it.....needed comic starting to a sad whiny post

RARrrr!!!!!!

Before I begin, I am somewhat drowsy and have found that my eyelids have this secrect desire of being glued together for the evening. So alas not sure this will be a super long post.

i have had a somewhat exausting day , for about half of it I was bawling. I just feel like I am betraying joe with this whole meeting a dominant guy thing...just not sure ho to deal with it. I mean he says he is ok but then doesnt was to talk about our usual things. Ahhh well I am not much of a drama person so both of us will come around soon and our relationship will once again be strengthened . lol btw i am typing much of this post with my eyes bloed so excuse my errors my fingers are not my eyes and my finger tips are not a cognitive link. Wow I must be tired if i am using long words to compensate for my terribble speach issues tonight.

Tonight I am camping at my parents humble abode I am waiting on my laundry and snuggling up in my bedroom...ok KIND of my bedroom ....my parents say its still mine but i dunno. I live at an apartment and am paying bills so I dont know if I am doing much of anything cept working and writing latley. Hmm random mid note part

My favorite spanking cleshes!

What did I tell you?
Young lady ....
Go to your room!
Your not sorry but you will be
I can give you something to cry about
You wanna act like a child I will treat you like one
I think i need to take you over my knee and teach you a lesson
keep it up little lady....
One more time.....

And last but not least a fun cleshe thing for a dom to do is count!....

*Breif interlude....please enjoy the music while your party is changing he loads of laundry*

(Lady Gaga Loves all........... PoKeR FaCe)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bESGLojNYSo&ob=av2e

And if you are not as entertained by that version...Cartman is good at it too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qST5eVLudrQ

*And WE ARE BACK!....!*

Ok so I must say Gaga knows the minds of the spanking community!

"And baby in love if its not rough it is not fun!"

LMAO! I am in such a Southpark Youtube kick latley....so if you are not burned out its harry potter mixed with south park....GIGGGLES!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8mvrFHcgsc&feature=related

I keep debating writing a story but everything is all questions right now. I am debating just throwing out the ideas of dating someone for a while so that I can just stay where I am comfortable for a while longer. I think since I moved I am ten times more sensitive to change. Besides....boys have cooties anyways so why bother?

Sigh....I just need Chicago....I mean my November has been my vacation for a long time now. I really hope nothing changes about me going to the hotel to see my Daddy , I really miss him so much.

I am constantly scared of who might read this , I hate having a diary that I don't feel like i can open up in. so I guess this is my chance to say anything i need to. I keep postponing EVERYTHING....and waiting for the right time...the right day. When I save up enough money, when i get this many jobs, when I get my apartment set up, when I go to school, when I really connect with that one person, when I need to deal with it I will....Nothing is ever faced head on with me. in fact i am finding avoidance MUCH easier. god my last few posts have been depressing....I will try to be better. Right now I am chilling with nala and think its time to head out.....

I love you world

Angel

Breathing in Laughing Crazy Gas....(I dunno couldn't come up with a better title)

2010-09-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

OK SOOOO weird ass day and it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!

Joe and I have been dealing with tiffs in the dad, daughter relationship latley, but after tonight I think we are doing better than ever thank god. So anyways...I am ready to ramble...MY DAY!

(takes in deep breath....exhales deep breath....stops breathing bug caught in windpipe....spits out bug....breaths....and now lets VENT!)

Basically the past two days have been a complete and total blurr, I went to work on ....Sunday all pumped and rarin to go(side note looking up rearing or raring...figure out if it is an actual word with a meaning) ANYWAYS get to work planning on working untill 7:30 ....DID NOT HAPPEN....the resturant gods hate me, Basically i started working and things were going great , heck the plan was to get me out of work early at 6:30 well around 4 ish the other girl on the dining floor turned yellow and basically keeled over in pain and lost vision and collapsed....Do not worry she has been taken home and well care for and is back in ship shape condition....like a shiny new penny.....ok back to me.....So I was left at work and my friend Johnathan comes up to me.....

J: Hey angel I am coming to work on the floor

A: Oh sweet, sounds good

J: Yeah for a few hours then YOU close

A: No if you are taking Tammies place that means I am not closing but you are

J: Thats not what Rita says

A:(Grumbles and walks to Rita)....Rita....you know I am done at 7:30 tonight right

R: Lets make it 8

A:*sigh ok*

R: Ok how about 8:30

A:*Angrier and moodier sigh* OOOOHH allright

R:*smiles cause shes gots hers ways!*

so the night goes off without a hitch and these two gentlmen come into the resturant and are mega nice to me and I instantly hit it off with them , and they not only give me a free ticket to mount olympus but they tell me that I would really fit in at a nearby church called pathways. Check it out...actually seems perfect for me

Then the night gets busy.er and I am just about to leave the resturant litterally 5 minutes of work then I was told i could leave then I go back to the managers office to leave and then Rita turns to me

Rita:Have you vacumed yet?

Angel: Rita you never told me I was supposed to tonight...besides you told me latest 8:30 ...it is now 9:45....

Rita: I need it done.....get it done you can leave

Angel: *Anguished sigh*okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkayy FINE(grumbles and basically throws the vacume around the floor )

After all that I FINALLY got to leave...Rita is buying me lunch on the resturant forr all my hard work but still, it sucked....and on top of all that my GRANDMA is trying to get a job there....yep. the elderly bitter and grumpy woman wants a job at my place of employment....sheesh i have lots of luck. Well then I get home and decided to wash the dishes in the sink sinse they are about 2 weeks old thanks to my roomate and her jail bound boyfriend....so i do all of them it litterally takes me three hours and then FINALLY can post on my posting sites....NOPE...not a CHANCE...Joe and Paige and tina and Tim were all fighting because Tina introduced piage and tim without asking JOe....NOT A COOL IDEA!....So being the person that connects those people I peer mediate the whole thing untill I go to bed.

THIS leads me to today....sersioully...I need fitting intro music to the past few days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM-0Pwgr7-E

Nope. Not that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzcc97IrfJ4

Ummm....thinking not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzlG28B-R8Y

YES PERFECT!

So today I wake up in my completly trashed bedroom and decide that today will be a good day! Well it very much so was. except the whole spending 150 dollars of my money on random shit part...yep wish I could do THAT part over again! I spend my morning talking with Kaitlynne and going out to min du with Kait, ...my fortune cookie read.....

"The time has come to try all of those new things"........ahem in bed.....

yeah I am pretty sure this was a very fitting fortune...thank you random chinese toture obbsessive for coming up with it.

I must say I always think about who makes fortune cookies and I am pretty sure the person is playing all day with a magic 8 ball and just talking to his buddies says "ok now lets fuck with all the people with spanking obbsessions.....sex addictions, relationship issues" lol i bet they also stay at owrk late because tearing apart peoples lives is just too fun to come home from!

First time for a start over

2010-09-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

I guess its just been too long sinse I last kept a journal or a diary , some place to just jot down my thoughts and what is running through and captivating my mind.

Currnetly I am thinking about my incredible need for sleep or something like it. Basically my day went like this, woke up to a call from my mom at my new apartment she said dad was going to drop some stuff off . Woo HOO! But because my room was TRASHED and the apartment was TRASHED from all the days I have not been heere because i had a horrible ear infection i had some quick cleaning to do.

SO i started off at work, unfortunately my cleaning does not run nearly as smoothly as Snow Whites and I was forced to deal with mold, pee, and much grime...and I just cannot see how anyone would write a disney movie where the animated singing birds, deer and bunnys would be magically cleaning up 1 week old spagetti....even if we are going the lady in the tramp mode nothing gets that grubby or disgusting.

after that my furnature got dropped off by my dad and I decided I no longer wanted the queen sized bed inside the apartment so my dad brought over the twin that like much more....giggles , THEN we had to get rid of the poterh bed and apartment the staricase here dont like my bed so over the balcony goes my mattress then its close second the box spring...yep we threw them over the balcony. I felt like i was sentencing my wonderful big bed to a terrible fate. I heard its crys on the way down nearly left me heartbroken...however I got over that quickly and tossed out my old feelings and grew quickly aattached to my much better fitting SMALLER mattress...clean....wonderful....and just adorable..., it just made me happy. Ok so clean is not the best word sinse it looked like it had been through 8 or 9 PMS rounds....GROSS....ehh prolly mine. God I am open when I am tired.

ANYWAYS more about my day, hung out with Joe for a while and did a small self spanking....I got a few good swings in there but nothing terrible. then I went to work and had a blast messing with teara and desi, it had been ages sinse I worked with them both at once. It made me sooo happy. I made a few racist jokes towards desi and then things just kinda got funnier and funnier from there....
(desi is eating his dinner and I come over to bite a peice of his chicken off and he bites at my hand)

Angel: HEY ouch! No biting...jeez I just wanted a bite!
Desi: you should know better than to steal a black mans chicken!

Then I ate and hung with Alex and started on my way home...my room is trashed, dishes are still not done, and i am waiting on joe to do some posting...lets just say I am one sleep kid...who needs MEGA sleep tonight!...

I want to write tonight too but i dotn know if I see that happening....grumbles

*bluebird*