*this letter is to my second dad, some might find it hurtful but I have been through a lot and really need to write it out*


Dear Daddy.

Do you remember when you would just wake up to text me "you exploded into my heart?" ....i keep thinking about it. I know things have gotten SOO bad for us both....but never once did I stop loving you, or wish you were gone. I don't regret us. Any of us. Joe it hurts....I cant explain it....everything in me hurts. I don't regret falling for you...but I did. And never was able to shake that....and that makes this feel like little knives piercing everything. My will power to survive has completly banashed.


I cant make it stop hurting i keep hearing you and seeing you after everything i do....wait till I tell dad I.....and i start crying almost instantly . I feel so lost. I have no idea what to do. I am scared to get close to anyone. I trusted you....I TRUSTED YOU!!!! ...."no matter what...I will never leave you Angel....never" . I never promised you i wouldn't fall towards other people...or fall in love...i actually guarenteed it. But i was only ok with that because you wouldn't dissapear. I BELEIVED YOU! ....HOw could you do that to me. You know what everyone else had done to me...Other doms, adam, jordan, nicole, the church...they all dissapeared....then you swear you would not do what they did....no you did a ONE UP....you made sure you did it so that my life revolved around you so much I would be detached from everything else when you deserted me......well you did it... I am so alone .


Here let me help you ...."your not alone you have your other tops and vincent...and the girls"


they are not you. I LOVE YOU.... they also didn't get my love to you....you did. My life didn't revolve around them like we did to each other....and now i am allowed to text you if I have an emergency...but other than that...you are supposed to be out of my life....

I was going to send this to you today...but you left so quick that i didn't get a chance....i guess it doesnt matter now


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jckKmsCsmio


I feel so dead...I guess it makes sense that its halloween. I know that you know that i just keep saying i will hurt myself just to make you come back but i feel like everything inside of me is raw...and decayed. I hate everything inside myself....your right I created this.... You texted me you are crying....I feel like I am in so much pain...nothing matters to me right now. I hate talking to anyone becaue I am a breath short of falling apart...i am ignoring texts from my new friends cause me wanting to be friends with them destroyed us.
Everything i see....its a memory of you in some way

Bluebirds

Mnms

Romeo and Juliet

Glee

EVERYTHING evokes a memory of you

Everything hurts....even if I don't cut burn or intentionally starve....but I cant eat I cant sleep...I cant call anyone for coping....


I am a mess....i guess thats it.

I love you daddy

Angel

Updater

I am sitting here wondering why I have found myself amongst the crazed obsessives in love with silly bands. I don't understand it one bit. I keep trying to justify it saying...oh its only so that i can find ones with meaning pertaining to me and me alone...well thats all cool and such but it does not change the fact that I am 20 and a crazed look with rubber band bracelets that serve no purpose but to make pictures when you are not wearing them. I got into them this morning when I was shopping the outlet mall and looked down and on the cement I saw a band....the number 5....just gawking at me...laughing....sneering....judging....basically screaming...why the hell havent you picked me up yet. so I did...and I put it on....it felt good...cheap rubber around my wrist(its your dirty mind that went there not mine).....

Anyway yeah...so i needed to keep it because 5 means a lot of things for me

5 kids

5 my acting age (dont ask)

5 the number that everyone counts to to get me to hear them

5 my favorite bill with Abraham Lincoln on it

5 the number that helped me learn math in school

5 the age that I was the cutest in my whole life

5 the age that my mom got chelsea for our family. 

5 the year I noticed more that spanking was a part of me

5....well i guess this list could go on and on and on

Anyways so that is how I got into my addiction. 

So Joe and are are Tiffy with each other. I don't know what I did. And i only got upset with him because he got upset with me. We are both running on very little sleep especially him so I give him credit for putting up with so much. And i dont want people thinking he is Oscar the grouch.  I mean come on...he doesnt smell...that bad

Ok really he doesnt smell and he is a sweetheart..I just think i pushed on a nerve with him again. Like always. he is just tired I think and needs a nappy wappy byes!

So yea. i went shopping today and bought some lotions , a dress, body wash, fragrances, a sweatshirt, some silly bands, batman stickers, a usb card reader, and some battery's....all things i needed pretty desperately .

Glad I had some time with my mom. 

hmm other news.

oh yeah one last thing. i started a new daily thing where I take at least one picture and edit it per day. Here are todays....Besties!

Alright yall

Bedtime for this sassy cubby, ducky, giraffe, little baby bluebird.

G'nites

Angel

A spanko rant

I guess I felt I needed to say a few things for my fellow spanko community. 

I have seen a lot of subs and bottoms questioning weather or not the spanko they have is right for them. And after a few in depth spanko relationships with Vanillas, Good doms, Terrrible Doms, and Physcos who think they are spankos I have learned quite a bit and have a few tips. 

I guess this all is going to go around the one MAIN rule... That my Papa Bear Joe taught me, 

NO RED FLAGS.

what i mean by this is, from the get go, you CANNOT have Red flags in your relationship, meaning something that does not fit, indications of dangerous situations , ect. Now I do not mean that in your relationship your top or dom is not allowed to make mistakes, like once he hits too hard in the wrong spot or you feel that its gone too far(beyond the owwwiee sobs it stings) , you let him know but then he stops immediately and checks on you. I mean lets be honest in this lifestyle there are a lot of times you get smacked at the spot at the bottom of your back just by accident...but it should NEVER be repeated for dramatic emphasis. We are not looking for a Shakespeare tragedy we are looking for a Love story where one of the kids DOESN'T kill themselves. 

Online Indications of Red Flags in Spanko Relationships

quick to get angry or jelous or very sensitive to everything you say( ex: You: Um ok....Top: wow God someones in a mood)

People that "forget" your limits (you made limits for a reason, if the person is not following them they are either not paying attention to what you are saying OR worse they are disragregaring those things)

Sexual within the first meeting online(this one is OBVIOUS, if they want to talk about how "sexy you are "or want to see pictures of you from the get go....not a good plan) 

They don't want to just "talk to you" unless its sexaul or ONLY about spanking (just for joe,...if they talk to you about twilight...They must be perfect for you)

Its 3 am I must be Lonley

So yeah bedtime was at 3...it is now 3:19. One of my friends popped up just as i was getting offline....with this .


"Angel Please talk to me I really need someone right now"


AWEE damn it, as it is joe is gunna tan me!

*****************************************


In other news my job at Burial Chamber is GUNNA ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SOOO excited. I basically wont have a day off for the entire month of october but its a compromise I am totally willing to make! HMmmmm what else. I SHOULD get pictures together to print but I was working so hard on my laundry and Chelseas senior photos that I never got around to it. But alas I will very soon.


I wanna say more...but my lips are tied....i wish I could explain things to peoples.....but ERrrrggg...I will laters I guess

Better Day

The Burial Chamber Haunted House is located on the corner of N. Lake Street and Blair Avenue in Neenah.  This location is just five minutes south of the Fox River Mall in downtown Appleton.  

From the North: follow Hwy 41 S. to the Winchester Rd. exit (#133). Turn left (East) on Winchester Rd. and follow until it ends.  Turn right (South) on Lake Street.  Watch for the search light! The Burial Chamber will be on your right. 

From the South: follow Hwy 41 N. to the Winchester Rd. exit (#133).  Turn Right (East) on Winchester Rd. and follow until it ends.  Turn right (South) on Lake Street.  Watch for the search light! The Burial Chamber will be on your right

Things are finally looking up. And I can taste the sun on my lips as it peeks through the trees and coneccts its warm lips upon mine. Smiling finally is not as hard as i felt like it was










Thank you glee! You Make me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe7EPVBHU-A

and even better from the same episode!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_cU7gixkJY&feature=related