Nicole.....

So I just want to say a small little tidbit. I am not going into huge details but I am sorry if i ever made you feel like your problems in the past were less than important. Or that I didn't care about what you were going through. I remember You always told me 'you have NO idea how I feel"...and your right. i had NO FUCKING CLUE. I knew that you were falling to pieces but i could always see mends and easy fixes and didn't have patience with you. I never really quite understood the whole broken inside kinda thing. Like being so torn apart that even time with your friends doesn't help and you dread seeing morning because you know things will only get worse. I hit a really bad spot when jordan and i broke up. a terrible spot. But then I felt like I could lean on a bunch of people to get me through. But it wasn't till this past week that i really knew how you felt like you couldn't be fixed. I felt really isolated like no one really understood what i was feeling and the helplessness. I felt like I didn't want to see anyone because it might drag them down. And even more I didn't want anyones help because friends tend to blame themselves if things get worse and i didn't want to get worse and deal with my friends blamming themselves. 

I finally got the feeling of feeling cold, and empty, and hollow like you would walk through every day. But never feel anything but pain and frequently getting mad at yourself that you cant turn it off. Feelings like the peices were too shattered to be picked up. I am not asking for help I am doing ok now. I am "getting by" i guess just dealing day to day. I know full well i will survive what I am dealing with. I just wanted to say I love you. And I am sorry if you EvEr felt used or belittled by me when you went through this. You are an incredible person. And I think one of the strongest i have ever met. I have no idea how you survived it. But thank you for doing so. 

Anyways. yeah thats it
I love you Nicole. And really want to get lunch sometime soon
Angel

*so yeah i wrote that to nicole today. just a little something to make her feel good. i really hope she reads it and understands where I am coming from. I really miss her and need her back in my life for coping purposes. *

In Other news I did Chelseas senior photos today and her newborn brothers pictures AND....I went with nick to visit ashley on the green bay camppus. and realized that i really really need that kind of lifestyle. LIKE BAD. i know its belated... but i feel like its needed...pics soon